A moment of heartache

Yesterday was kinda hard on me emotionally. It always hits me when I’m not expecting it, but I should have expected it.

A former co-worker brought in her 4 week old baby boy. He was absolutely beautiful and sleeping peacefully. Everyone was holding him, but I couldn’t do it. I am so happy she had a baby, but I couldn’t hold him. I mumbled an excuse about us deciding not to have another baby and I didn’t want to hold him because I might change my mind. Just seeing him sleeping made the memories of holding my own peacefully “sleeping” son come back so vividly. My son was beautiful, in fact perfect save for his lungs.

While everyone was ooohing and ahhing over the little boy, another tiny baby came into the office, a boy who had just come home from the NICU, born six weeks early. I gave him a quick look and knew that was all I could do. I left the office and went into the bathroom to hide my tears. It’s still too painful.

I had been looking forward to seeing the co-worker and her little one, I didn’t even think about how it would affect me. I know if it was a girl it would have been different.

Recently I was telling someone that I was trying to let go of all the anger, hurt, and pain I’ve felt the past several years, she said that the whole “letting go” idea is bullcrap. You can’t let go, but you can come to terms with it. So now that’s my focus - coming to terms with it all.

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September 2009
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Current Mood: In pain, therefore grouchy I ended up staying in the hosital an extra day because it was hard getting my pain under control. My surgery went very well and Dr. C was pleased with the result. They put three incision in my foot to first remove my old screws, then to scrape out the arthritis and clean up the scar tissue, then he took a piece of bone from my hip and placed it in my foot, put in four more screws, then closed it up. He also put an incision in my calf so that he could lengthen my Achilles tendon to give it better range of motion. The pain was so bad they had me on the PCA pump and oral medication for a couple doses yesterday.

All of my caregivers were wonderful! I will update you more probably tomorrow. I'm still kinda out of it from the pain meds..... I can't think straight!

Thank you for all the well wishes!

Dear Mr. New President, I know you have a lot on your mind, but I just wanted to say a few things.

First, so many people have put their hopes and lives in your hands by electing you. Whether we agree or not on your being elected, you are now our president and we will support you. I hope that some people can put aside their prejudices and give you a chance. I don't care what color your skin is or who your friends or acquaintences were when you were a child.  I care about who you are now. I care about your morals, principles, and ability to make the "right" decision.

We have put a lot on your shoulders and try as you might, you will fail in some areas. We, the working class poor and those of us who are losing our homes, desperately hope you won't fail us. We need your help, or somebody's help.   I know you can't fix everything in a day...or a week...or even a year, that would be asking the impossible.   But Sir, please fix what you can as soon as you can, some of us are losing hope fast and the ship is sinking incredibly fast (and I can't swim!).

Sincerely,
Someone who voted for the first time in 20 years

P.S. I'm sorry your hair is going to turn gray fast. I wouldn't want your job!

Please God, don't make it pneumonia.... Littlest is very sick. She has a cough that sounds like she is drowning. None of my usual remedies have worked and she doesn't look like she feels well at all. So off to the doctor we go. Prayers would be gratefully accepted if you think about it. We have been so lucky she hasn't had any hospitalizations or major illness for the past 7 months!

It's my fault because I said three times out loud that I was amazed she has stayed healthy and hasn't gotten anything since starting daycare (beetlejuice be damned!).

Update to come later.

One Comment Leave a comment

Robin said:

Sep. 24, 2009

Coming to terms with it is a better way to put it. I know from experience that you never get over the anger. I too had a hard time holding anyone’s baby boy, and often found myself making excuses to leave the room. You are very normal in your feelings and it is ok to show them. Your friends will completely understand.

Robin

Bittersweet