Bittersweet

I did not have to remind my husband to at least buy me a card for my birthday.   I did NOT sneak off to Goodwill Outlet to dumpster dive instead of going straight home after my afternoon out with my friends for my birthday.  I certainly would not stop at Safeway just to buy binkies because of a second major meltdown by one of my children midway through an afternoon of errands.   I did not feed my girls BurgerBill’s cheeseburger for lunch instead of making lunch for them.   I definitely would not have hit my youngest with a (lightweight) plastic ball to distract her from climbing on a camp chair instead of getting off my butt and doing it.  I wouldn’t procrastinate on packing to move, especially since I’ve known about it for months now.  Why would I play Farkle on Facebook instead of getting to work on time twice within the last week?   Oh…and I did not I feed the girls Kraft Mac and Cheese two nights in a row, the second night because Bug asked for it - that would just be lazy!  

Littlest turned 18 months old

and I turned 528 months old!

After looking again for other places to live and revisiting the overgrown cottage garden house, we decided to trudge on with the itty bitty house.   The cottage garden landlord was very picky about how she wanted the yard to look and with the type of look she had in mind ~ you would have to be a full time landscaper to keep it going.  The house was gorgeous and I loved it, but because of the amount of yardwork, it was a deal breaker.  So we picked up the keys to the new bitty house and hopefully Monday or Tuesday we can sign the contract and then start moving in on the first or so.   Personally, I won’t believe it until I see it. It’s been a very strange situation.  The alleged landlady has already changed some of the utilities into our name.  Since next weekend is the 4th of July, we may have to wait a bit to move some stuff in until we can have help.   We have a little bit of time before we completely have to be out of the house, but I just want to move.  The house we’re in obviously doesn’t like us.  We’ve been having more electrical issues and lights flickering. 

The girls are good.  Littlest has an ear infection (that’s my diagnosis) and has been falling more when she walks.  She is a little monkey though.  If you don’t watch her, she goes outside and climbs up on top of the picnic table without any problems.  Little Toothy McGrinn is pretty darn proud of herself.   She climbs everywhere.   Bug wasn’t that avid of a climber and still doesn’t climb around that much.  Bug has sweet days and sour days.  I can just see her as a hormonal teenager - God help us.  

At Costco yesterday, both girls were in the cart and Bug says to Littlest, “Kiss?” and so they started hugging and kissing.   Cutest thing in the world.  Of course they have to make the “mwaaaah!” sound each time.  They have a good time together, giggling and teasing.   Fortunately those times seem to outweigh the hair pulling and hitting.   Bug has decided she is the little mommy now.  She tells Littlest to “be careful Littlest,” gets after her and uses her first and middle name, and already has started to tattle on her.   Littlest just goes for it anyhow.   She can be a mischievious little imp at times.  

Saturday we went to a dance team fundraiser garage sale in the better side of town.  Score!  We got an awesome white metal  twin bed for Bug, a play kitchen with lots of extras,a DVD, two fake Prada purses, a hardback book, and some smaller things for $62.  We had to buy the play kitchen because Bug was obsessed by it.  It was so obvious that most of the helpers at the sale were commenting to each other that the little girl’s parents better buy it for her because she won’t leave it.   We will sell her other kitchen which is tiny and drab in comparison to this glorious bright magical kitchen.  She has already put in hours of play time with it.  She won’t let anybody else near it though - Poor Littlest gets shoved away.  I get, “No No Mama” and she puts her hand out like a traffic cop.  I’m glad she loves it though.

As for a home to live in update, it continues to be bizarre.   I guess we can move in next week.  The water will definitely be billed to us starting the 1st because it has already been changed to our name.  It is the strangest situation I’ve ever been in.   It will all work out one way or another - Duh.

New Bugism - “pid-dow” for pillow. 

A few updates:
Moving:  Yeah right…we still don’t have a definite date, a contract, or a clear idea of who is in charge.  So to be proactive, we started looking at other places.  We looked at one yesterday that had the most hidious paint job, broken up floor plan, and throw in a weird location.   Liked the owner though and it was big.  In the garage was the biggest, most gigantic elk head and horns I have ever seen in my life!  Certainly makes the tiny place look better.    Glanced in the windows of another place.  I loved, loved, loved the inside.  The outside had an “English Garden feel,” which apparently means overgrown and totally unkempt.  Add on the redneck neighbors and yeehaw!

The Girls:    Littlest is having a few issues with wheezing, probably allergies.   Both are kinda crabby, but still delightful most of the time.

Thursday is the big breast biopsy - oh joy.  Will keep update when I know something. 

Overall I’m feeling pretty mad about everything (basically just mad at the world) and just want to curl up in bed and sleep.  That’s a want, not reality.  Since my mammogram finding, I am definitely eeling a lot more depressed, but it’s all situational and I know it will get better, so I’m not worried.   I  just need a few  definites - at least on the place to live part.  I’m not worried about the breast biopsy really.  Last night I laid down on the bed and both girls kept coming in and playing.  Bug covered me up with a blanket, told me “nigh nigh,” kept kissing me, reading me stories and putting her babies to nigh nigh with me.   She is such a nester. 

Yup and it’s my little black cloud.   Nothing can ever be easy.   Sometimes I think it’s my mindset, that I expect the worst anymore.   I honestly figured there were no worries getting a mammogram, necessary evil, kinda like an annual exam.   Nope.

I had the ultrasound on my left breast this morning.   It’s a cyst, right?   I knew it wasn’t quite as simple as that when the doctor came in and looked at it and re-imaged it.    He is pretty sure it’s benign, but because it’s deep and you can’t feel it,  there are no absolutes.  It’s about 1.5 cm in size (so a bit over 1/2 inch).  I had several choices:
1.  Ignore it and wait until my breast turns black from cancer and falls off (or nothing happens).
2.  Have it watched closely for the next two years with multiple ultrasounds. 
3.  Do a needle biopsy and find out exactly what it is.  (This was my choice).

They scheduled it for next Thursday - so think of me.  A little local anesthesia, a hollow needle, ultrasound and a doctor.  It will be fine….right?

We got news back on our little rental house and we can still move in, but we have to pay a HUGE deposit.  They are willing to let us spread it over five months and only a tiny part is refundable.  We might be able to move in a bit sooner, but we’ll see how that goes.  

Still under the black cloud category…

I’m trying to tie up loose ends on my own health issues and get all those standard things done.   You know, like a mammogram.   I didn’t get one last year because I was too stressed out and didn’t want to deal with it.  No biggie - no history of breast cancer in the family. 

So today I go in for my mammogram.  It actually didn’t hurt.  Because I’m an employee, they like to try to get you the results the same day.  So she had me go back out to the dressing room area and wait.   I waited maybe 5 minutes and she was back.   It was too fast.   She called me back to look at the images.  They found a cyst and it seems to have normal, smooth margins (as in benign looking cyst), but they still wanted an ultrasound.  So back to the waiting area until they got an order from my doctor.   It didn’t come, so I went back to work and they scheduled the ultrasound for tomorrow.  

When she showed me the images and told me it was a cyst, I wanted to fall down and cry hysterically.   But I don’t do those kind of things, I suck it up and try to keep the tears contained.  A few escaped, but I keep telling myself that this is just an inconvenience and they are trying to make sure it’s nothing more than a cyst.   Stupid body.   It must be my brain puddle.

After the EI people left, Littlest apparently decided she liked walking and would, on her own, get up and walk.  She walked down the hall after her bath, she followed Big Yellow Dog to the back door, she walked back into the living room and over by the fan.  Our house isn’t big, but this was HUGE for this little girl.   We all would clap and tell her what a good job she was doing.   She would give us her big old toothy smile (Daddy calls her Toothy McGrin).   It was so exciting.   When I picked her up from daycare, she was on the stairs and walked down those and walked about 6-7 steps to me before falling.  I