First - did you watch Oprah yesterday?   The one with the extraordinary single dads?   Matt Logelin was one of them  - I have a link to his blog on my sidebar.   His wife gave birth to their first child, a girl, and then about 24 hours later his died from a pulmonary embolism.  He is the reason I watched the show.  I even wrote myself a note on the back of my hand so I wouldn’t forget.  All the dad’s stories made me cry.   I was trying to Daddy some of them, but I couldn’t stop crying long enough to say much.   Probably a few hormones were involved as well, but nonetheless, I cried.   Daddy is a wonderful dad.  He has his moments, but he loves his girls and he is very good with them.  No reason why I tell you this….maybe as kind of an explanation of what kind of set me off. 

While I was watching the show, Daddy ws taking the girls for a wagon ride and walk with the neighbor kid who also is a dad to 2 year old Flower who was born the day before Bug.   All of a sudden Daddy comes bursting back in angry and frustrated, plopped the girls in my lap and tried to calm down.   Apparently the neighbor kid (who is about 21) was frustrated about his situation of being unemployed, having a lazy girlfriend, the 2 year old girl, and living with his folks.  All legitimate complaints. He wanted to jump off a bridge because he can’t take it anymore.  He wanted to punch out car windows and so on.   But here’s the rub - he could work and does work - when he wants to.   They intentially got pregant when his girlfriend was only 17.   They never had a stable home, sometimes living in a tent on the mountain while he worked at a ski resort.  He works enough to get pot (MJ), but won’t go to get free diapers.  Poor little Flower…her homelife is not good.   Anyhow, the list goes on.   So Daddy tells me that the girlfriend was pregnant (just this last month) and got an abortion.   Where was the birth control?  They get it free.  I’ve always been a pro choice, or so I thought until I had my own babies.   To find out they had an abortion as a result of laziness made me so angry!   We have been careful and tried to do the best for our girls and it’s been really hard.   We were happy and scared to find out we were having twins, only to lose our son.   So finding out she had an abortion because of stupidity - I’m livid.    We have thought about trying for a boy, but know that at this point, we can’t responsibly do so.   I can’t get over it.  

So as I’m getting up at early this morning to get to work by 5:30 a.m., I started to get angry about a bunch of things.   At first it was that I can’t stay home with my girls.  Bug was up early and wanted me to hold her.   I did for a while, but I had to get to work.   I snuggled her in and finished getting ready for work.   I had to get to a job that I’m worried about - that I may lose hours or even be cut.   Then I got angry that Daddy isn’t working.   Then I was angry about losing the house (yes we will probably lose our house).  I got angry again about losing Sweet Baby Boy, that Littlest was born way too soon.  That this last year has been horrible, devastating, but yet a miracle, a triumph and complete joy.    I think back to being a little girl or even a teenager thinking that I will get married, have children in my 20’s, a house, and life will be pretty good.   Wow - reality is a lot different that fairy tales and dreams.  

Then I started thinking about my Grandma K - the person who was my one true rock as I was groing up.  The one who I KNEW loved me.  We never were an affectionate family, but I knew she loved me.  I was the last person who saw her alive and at that time I wanted to hug her and tell her I loved her, but our family just didn’t do that.  I’ve regretted that for the past 21 years.   I tell my girls constantly that I love them and hug and kiss them.  Daddy and I say “I love you today” all the time.  It’s our little joke.  I remember my mom saying that my dad told her on their wedding day that he will tell her just this once that he loved her and that if it changed, then he would tell her so.   That’s wrong on so many levels.   So we tell each other that while I don’t particularly like you very well right now, I still love you - hence, “I love you today.”   We want our girls to know they are loved and cherished and can take that with them forever.  

It was a pretty big pity party.   Life just hasn’t been quite what I thought it was going to be and it’s been really hard the last few years, but there are some wonderful things.   Bug and Littlest are the best, most important things to me.  They are alive and, while we have medical issues, they are healthy.  Daddy has overcome many obstacles and is a good dad and loves his children more than anything in the world.  Right this minute, we have a roof over our heads, cars, clothing, food, a job….and as the commercial says, “in debt up to my eyeballs - please help!”   Hey, I can even walk without a limp now.   So while I have knowledge of things I never wanted to know and have to deal with things I never wanted to deal with, I also have some really spectacular things that I would have never wanted to miss out on.  

So there - Pity Party Tuesday is over.   Well, at least it’s quieted down a bit.   Time to clean up the mess.