Bittersweet

Okay, the ugly first….

As for the bad….well, I don’t really have anything bad. I take that back, there is always bad, but no need to share it today.  

After all this time, I think I have Bug’s room the way I like it and I think she likes it.   It took time to hit sales and get the right combination of things we already had or were given to us, but it’s all cute and girly now. I still have an area that needs addressing, but I’m okay with it until I find a solution for it.  

The black teddy bear is wearing Bug’s Halloween costume.
The cedar chest* was built for me by my dad in the very, very early 80’s

This is the area I’m not real happy with.  The book shelf with all the toys drives me crazy, but it is what it is for now.   The room also needs a rug, but that will have to wait as well. 

Bug likes to hang out on the bed and sings,
reads books, or puts her babies to “nigh nigh.”

 
She’s a little upset with me here for disturbing her baby. 
She was trying to get her to sleep and I woke her up.

* As for the behemoth cedar chest…oh my gosh, it was a project that went a bit overboard.  I had found a picture of a cedar chest that I loved and asked my dad to build it for me.  I had a few things to go it already (okay, more than a few things).  To determine the size, I laid the stuff out on the living room tiles, which were one foot by one foot in size, then we went from there.  It was gigantic in proportion and extremely heavy by the time it was finished.  I never have found handles I really liked for it and never made the cushion for the top.  In fact, in almost 30 years, I have only lived with it in my house probably a year total.  It’s always been at my mom’s, in storage, or in the garage (which it will probably go back into shortly) because it’s just too big for anywhere I’ve lived. 

I think Bug has ESP.  She has something.   No matter how quiet I am in the morning, she will wake up within minutes of me leaving for work.  This morning was a prime example.   I didn’t have to be at work until 8, usually it’s 6 a.m.   I got up at 6:15 thinking that Bug would wake up early and I would need some extra time to spend with her and help out Daddy.  But it wasn’t to be.  I was ready by 7 and was wandering around trying to be quiet. Daddy got up shortly after 7 and he was letting dogs in and out of the front door, had the TV on, normal morning sounds and Bug still didn’t wake up.   Daddy, Big Yellow Dog, and I sat down on the couch for some time together.  I finally quietly said I had to leave for work in about 5 minutes.  A minute later, Bug walked out of her bedroom and into my arms on the couch.   There is no way she could have heard me - absolutely no way.   I spent a few minutes snuggling with her and then would say I had to leave for work.  She would reach up and pat my cheek and then hold my hands down on her tummy.   This happened a couple times until I asked her if she would like to sit on Daddy’s lap so Mommy could go to work.  She whispered, “yes.”  She didn’t want me to go though.  I would have rather stayed snuggled on the couch with them all. 

Littlest , on the other hand, sleeps right next to me and doesn’t seem to notice I’m gone.  She’s all about sleeping…and eating.  She did crawl up on me in the middle of the night and fell asleep.  I love their sleepy snuggles.   It’s all good.

Big Yellow dog is now five years old.  He started out as a trembling wee pup, but now has grown to be very tall.  People often ask if he is part Great Dane.  Nope, I think he’s more like Clifford the Big Red Dog, he grew big from all the love he got.  He was our first born and is very devoted to his mama and papa.  He gives hugs, puts his legs on your shoulders kind of hugs. He still has his “Babies” from the first day we got him.  He has never chewed Babies up. Babies is a stuffed Golden Retriever dog.   He is the best company, but not much help.   He comes in bathroom in the mornings and  keeps me company while I’m getting ready.  He’s happiest when we all are together.   He is tolerant of the girls, although I think he misses the good old days of being the only kid in the family.   I adore this dog and he adores me.  As a puppy he would  sleep above my pillow at night so that he could put his face next to mine to let me know he had to go potty.  Now he stretches out full length on the bed or couch - he’s almost my full height.  He can land on the bed light as a feather, but is tough and fierce if anything threatens his family.   He knows to never ever bite mama even in play and I can stick my hand in at any time during bitey face play time and he won’t  bite me.   He’s a good dog with a good soul and a big heart.  Bug terrorizes him to no end without a wimper or a growl.  Sturdy Gurdy is his devoted sister-dog.   Littlest just calls him, “dawg.”

I’ve always been an avid reader and will finish a book even if I don’t like it that well.   If I do like it, I’ll keep it even if I don’t read it again.  Don’t ask me why I do that because it just takes up space.   The new Jodi Picoult book, “Handle with Care,” is one book I really wish I hadn’t read and I don’t plan on keeping it..  Don’t get me wrong, the book was very good and much like her other books.  This book just hit home for me on so many levels…I can’t even explain it and some of it is intensely personal.   The premise of the book is based on a wrongful birth lawsuit and whether or not the OB doctor was negligent in telling the family in advance that their child would be severely disabled and giving them the option of terminating the pregnancy.  In light of this past year and all that we’ve gone through with Littlest…it was a bit much to handle.   Before my emergency c-section, I had spent a month and a half of going to doctor appointments, getting ultrasounds, seeing both of my babies alive and moving around, but yet knowing that at any moment they both could die.  We pretty much knew that Sweet Baby Boy would not survive, but that doesn’t make the heart ache any less.  When I first started having complications, we were given all kinds of options, one was to terminate the pregnancy completely, partly because they weren’t sure I wouldn’t be able to carry both babies to a point where Littlest could survive.   In fact it was a given that she wouldn’t survive either.   Call it a miracle or whatever you want, but it has worked out.  It’s been hard and we don’t have a severely disabled child, just one that has some catching up to do because she should have been “cooking” a bit longer.   I would never give up the chance to see that little girl or my little boy for that matter.   As much as I hate…let me take that back, “hate” is a strong word…as much as I’m angry with the doctor who did the amniocentesis that caused all of this to happen, he explained the risks and we signed a release stating we understood the risks.  Would I ever go back to him?   Absolutely not!  

Anyhow, that’s all I’m going to say because I’ve shed enough tears today about all of this and while reading the book.  I just want to move on (to the next crisis).   Do read the book, it is very good, but I think I’ll stick to Nora Roberts and Ridley Pearson for a while.

So last night Bug decides it’s officially time to sleep in “her” big girl bed in”her” room.  I finally got cleaned up of the 5 different sizes of clothes, made the toddler bed and set up the lamp.  We had tried a couple times to go “nigh nigh” in there, but she was way too excited and couldn’t settle down so we went back to the twin bed in the crib room.   It took a little bit of bringing down the excitment level, reciting Ten Cats Have Hat, letting her know she couldn’t sleep in the big chair in the room, and finally she settled in and fell asleep.  I kept checking her, but all was well.  At one point she was dangerously close to falling off where there wasn’t a rail, but I repositioned he.  She did wake up a couple times because she couldn’t find her binkie and she came in to get me, but she ran right back to her bed.   She even slept in this morning, usually she gets up as soon I leave for work (about 6 am).  Now it’s time to get Littlest back into her own room!

For ages now we’ve had appointments, sickness, more appointments, and everything associated with that.  The last few nights have been quieter.  One night I got up three times just because I was used to getting up, not because anybody needed anything, everybody was asleep.  I wandered around for a for a bit checking on everyone including the dogs and went back to bed each time feeling a little bit lost.   I don’t know the last time nobody needed me in the middle of the night, it felt odd.   Tuesday night I looked at my day planner at the rest of the week’s events…pictures at daycare and then dentist appointment to get my final crown Thursday after work…then nothing, absolutely nothing planned.  We didn’t have to be anywhere, there weren’t any events I wanted to go to.   Nothingness.   We could lay around and relax, play, sleep, whatever.  Then I felt it.  At first it felt like my ear was plugged and my throat was a bit scratchy, then I had the sniffles and a naggy headache.  The first weekend in ages with nothing to do and I’m going to be sick.   My poor tired body has finally succumbed to the lack of sleep and constant neglect.  Oh peachey!  Dayquil and Kleenex will be my best friends this weekend, well,  more like unwanted visitors.    At least I don’t have to be anywhere!

(I wrote a whole post and managed to lose it, so this is a sad attempt at reconstruction)

Top o’ the mornin’ to you, Erin go Bragh, Irish Blessings Upon You, kiss me I’m Irish, may you find a four leaf clover, and all those other St. Patrick’s Day sayings to you.   I would like to add my other favorite saying, “Go dtachta cúnna ifrinn do thóin bheagmhaitheasach!”  Loosely translated, it means, “May the hounds of hell destroy your worthless butt.”

Today is one of those fun holidays where you wear green, drink a pint of Guiness, and everybody becomes Irish for the day if they weren’t a bit already.   My brother lived several years in Belfast, Northern Ireland, and he said that they don’t really celebrate it there.  It’s a bank holdiday and that’s about it.  Although it is a good excuse to drink.   I had the good fortune of visiting Ireland twice while my brother lived there.   I can’t say exactly what my favorite place was, because we saw so many wonderful things.   I would post a picture of some of the places, but I couldn’t find the disk that had all my pictures on it from those trips.  Instead, go to This Journey.  It’s my brother’s photo blog of sorts.  He has several pictures of some of the places I was able to go to.  He has been fortunate to travel all over the world and spend time in places most people don’t.  There were so many wonderful things we visited in Northern Ireland and Dublin.  I was obsessed with finding the oldest tombstone possible.  I have a fascination with old cemetaries and ornate headstones anyhow, so being in a foreign land with ancient history just fueled that.  In one old, off the beaten path cemetary, we came across a piece of bone.  it was in the side of an elevated part of the cemetary, kinda creepy because it definitely was human. We also were able to see the different murals and the peace line in Shankill as well as some of the other areas hardest hit during the Troubles.   We saw castles, gardens, ornate buildings as well as beautiful scenery.  We also ate lots of chocolate - oh the chocolate, it was so very wonderful.  Like nothing I had ever tasted.   We also visited Bushmill’s Distillery and had a taste of their top Irish Whiskey.  It will take your breath away…holy cow was it strong.  My favorite was Busmills Irish Liquer, which apparently they quit making in 2005.   Much better than Baileys by far.  I also bought quite a bit of crystal at Tyrone Crystal where the guided tour takes you in the back and you can literally look over the shoulders of the craftsmen as they make each cut by hand.  Add in linen and you have an extra suitcase full of goodies to take home. 

 
Hanging out in the sunshine before the rain comes again

Friday Littlest had her follow up appointments with audiology and the ear doctor.  The hearing tests went well.  There definitely is an improvement, but not as big as they would have liked, so they are going to do another round of testing in about three months.  Her ears look great, no infection.   Basically good news.  While we were up at the Baby Factory, the girls were given free teddy bears at the information desk.  We always seem to get free stuff there, pumpkins, books, now bears.  Both girls were excited and they were really nice snuggly bears.   We also stopped at the safety desk and had Bug fitted for a bicycle helmet so when she crashes on her bicycle (just like Daddy used to) she will be protected.  They have really good prices on safety supplies, so we got a few things to protect the girls.   Bug’s head is big, so we couldn’t get her the really cool pink helmet, but she got a purple standard bicycle helmet instead.  Littlest isn’t quite ready for a helmet, although it would be nice to protect her from falls.   I forgot how much Bug’s head shaping helmet helped and elminated worry about head bumps.  Sometimes I wish Littlest could wear it, especially when playing with her sister!  

Littlest is feeling better I think.  She still has a bad cough, but she acts like she feels better.  You can tell she gets tired easier and is a breeze to put to bed at night.  You lay her on her tummy, give her a bottle for a minute and she’s out.  It took me longer to type this than it does for her to go to sleep.   That little girl has the biggest smile.  She’s starting to get a spunky streak to her and is being naughty now and again.  She will hit her sister now, pull her hair, kick her, and some times it seems like she will try to get her in trouble (by crying when Bug is close to her, but hasn’t done anything to her).   She also loves her sissy and will pat her and hug her.   Bug is the same way with Littlest.  She can be so sweet to her, but then turn around and smack her.  Bug is officially our little dictator now - that girl is bossy and has a mind of her own.    I think Littlest might give her a run for her money though.  Littlest just wants to stand and play now.  Whenever we try to hold her, she wants down.   She also is getting more vocal.  She is like Bug was when the dogs bark, Littlest will make a loud “bah” at them, almost like she’s telling them to be quiet. 
Our house is never quiet, we all are very noisy!