Bittersweet

Helping Daddy put on the child safety latches

Once upon a time, there was a lonely little daughter of a King who lived in an isolated kingdom. The little girl dreamed of a different life, a magical life. While playing with the pixies and fairies, she would think of the time when she would leave the kingdom, meet a handsome prince, have a prince and a princess, and live happily ever after…(sounds of a screeching halt)…so it didn’t happen quite that way. The daughter of the King left the kingdom, came back for a few years and then left again. She moved to a far away land and made friends, had some ups and some downs, and after she thought she was destined to be a spinster, she finally met that handsome…pauper. They had good times and bad and then good times again. They bought a tiny run-down castle with a moat filled with…well, you know. The King’s daughter pressured the pauper to have children and then decided they needed to get married before the first child was born. The first princess was born, a delightful little creature who filled the pauper and his new wife with great joy. They decided the princess needed to have a sibling and so right away found out they were with child again…wait - with children, another princess and a prince. An evil wizard placed a spell on the pauper’s new wife that forced her to stay at home in her bed until one day when she came down with a horrible shaking and the babies were born much too early. Since the babies were so wonderful, the fourth horseman of the apocalypse rode away with the prince and a giant panda whisked the princess away to a tower on the hill to hide her away for a hundred days and a hundred nights or until the day her heart beats stronger. The pauper and his wife were devastated. The pauper’s wife wept for 40 days and went to be with the princess whenever she could. The feudal lord began demanding payment on the run down castle and the pauper’s wife was forced to return to work. Even though the pauper and his wife love each other and they have two beautiful princesses, the pauper’s wife became angry and bitter, ummm, rather, more angry and more bitter at her family’s situation and the plagues afflicting them.   What would become of them?

Stay tuned to the continuing s-a-a-a-ga of the pauper’s wife.

We went to see Littlest One tonight. She has been doing very well today and ate four feeds in a row with the bottle, something she has never done. We took her preemie clothes up to the Baby Factory since she is growing so fast. Also, if you look closely in the upper left hand corner of the picture, in her hair is a tiny clippy. I thought it was pink, but in the picture it looks red. She is looking so much plumper - she is even starting to get the little rubber band look on her wrists. The nurse today said something about everything we’ve been through. At this point, it surprises me when people say that. It’s been so long, it seems almost normal. Most days we just go day by day, not looking forward and not looking back.

I don’t know how long I spent organizing all of the girl’s clothes. It seems like it took hours (especially with my little helper). I finished it up today and packed it up in bins. I also washed up a bunch of her clothes, folded, and put them away. Some of the clothes that have been handed down to Bug are being handed up to another sweet little girl only to be returned when she out grows them. I’m amazed at all the momma goodness and generosity out there - its wonderful.

Stuff for Littlest One and for Bug later

Only half of the clothes hanging in the closet for 6-9 month age and they are packed in there.

The drawers in the dresser that have just clothes in them (mostly for now), the others have diapers and misc baby stuff.

And shoes…oh my gosh, the shoes. Some are in a drawer in the closet.

Can you imagine having so many clothes and not even being a year old? I wish I had 1/100th of what those girls have.

It’s been a good day and we needed a good day.

Me neither. That’s what I had to do yesterday morning. I got to about 26 oz and then couldn’t drink the rest without puking. I had to have an ultrasound yesterday morning to double check that they got all the stones and stuff out from my gallbladder. I’ve been having a bit of pain that is very similar to the gallbladder pain. Nothing big.

Other than feeling like an emotional cripple, some things are going good. Bug is being a little whirlwind of goodness.  After this second episode of pink eye, she is up to exploring her world.   She is chattering up a storm and so close to walking.  Tonight she “helped” me sort through the boxes and boxes of baby clothes that have been handed down to us.   Bugalicious decided that she had to go through each and every thing in every box, which usually meant a episode of frenzied emptying of the box with a whole lot of jabbering.  Holy Cow!   I think I refilled the boxes about six times each.   She was having fun though, so it’s okay.   We went to Costco today and let Bug play in the little playhouse there.   I think she liked it and kept waving to the other kids who walked by. 

Before that, we had a big snow storm and she had fun looking at the big old flakes and telling us all about them.

Littlest One has been doing okay.   She is still having spells occasionally during sleep and most often during or right after her feeds.  They think it has to do with when her tummy gets 1/2 or 3/4ths of the way full.   She is still gaining weight (5 lbs 2 oz) and is now up to 45 ml a feed.   She will take about 3/4th of her feed by bottle or sometimes even all of it.  Last night when I fed her, she took about 30 ml.  She was hungry and sucked it down.   Before she ate, I gave her the binkie to work on until it was dinner time.  She smacked on that binkie so loudly, you could hear it in the next pod over.   She is such a sweet thing though.   She looks all around with those big dark eyes.   She has a quiet soul and never seems to complain or cry much.  She did cry last night because she was hungry and mad because it wasn’t coming fast enough.  We talked to the resident last night and she said they are thinking of sending her home in about a week.   Of course that depends on Littlest One’s spells and if we are comfortable with inserting and using the feeding tube.  I’m not comfortable with the spells.   I wish she wouldn’t have any or at least no sleep spells.   They mentioned maybe sending her home on a monitor.   Still don’t like that idea.  Daddy isn’t comfortable at all with that.  We’ll see.   I want my baby home, but I don’t want to obsess on her color, breathing, and if her heart is beating.  Okay, I’ll obsess on that anyhow, but if she isn’t spell free, I will never sleep or leave her alone - it’s just too scary.    It was good to see that little girl last night though.  It puts me in a good mood to hold and talk to her.   I actually rocked her quite a bit and wasn’t worried about the position I held her in or rocking - she didn’t seem to be bothered by it.  She did have a couple short spells when I first got there, but we had a little chat and she promised not to have anymore while we were there.   She waited until about half an hour after we left.  

Today Littlest One turns three months old and what a three months it has been.

Double chin!

Bug had a big day yesterday too. They are starting to transition her into the young toddlers room at daycare. I got a report card on her (which was a glowing report of how wonderful she is - duh!) and a teaching plan for the next couple of weeks along with the daily schedule and food menu. I am really sad to see her leave Infant Room II. We love Teacher Br and it has been a wonderful place for Bug. I never worry about her or have any communications problems. Teacher B always updates us, lets us know if she has any concerns or just plain praise for our little girl. I haven’t met the teacher in the new room yet, just the assistant. I actually was having a hard time yesterday thinking that Bug was growing up and moving on. I love her little personality that is shining through, but she’s growing up so fast. Where is my little baby girl?

On a final note, it has also been three months since our Sweet Baby Boy went to Heaven. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. There are so many times I think about what he would have been like. Would he look more like Bug (light and fair) or darker like his twin sister. What would have his personality been like - I can almost see that mischevious twinkle in his eye and a smile just before he’s naughty. I also think about what his future might have been like - what would his first day of school be like, his high school, then college graduation. His first date, first kiss, marriage, and then his own children (my grandbabies). So many things cross my mind and it hurts to think that we will never experience any of those things.

That’s right, Littlest One is five pounds as of today!  It’s amazing that she has come from 1 pound 1 ounce to a whopping 5 pounds.

When I spoke with the occupational therapist today, she asked how Littlest One was when I fed her.   That one hurt.   By the time I get to see her now, she is worn out and they gavage her while I hold her.   I have only tried to feed her with the bottle once.   I know I can’t take it too personally, but it still hurts. I really do want to be there when they do the tests, feed and bath her, everything.   It’s just not possible now.  I feel like I have to give up a lot of what I really want to do or be as a mother.  Maybe not give it up, but I have to let it go for now because of circumstances, and I need to be okay with that (but I’m not).   I feel kinda helpless.   Both of my girls are affected by it.   Everyone keeps telling me that they are so little they won’t remember it…but I will.     My main goal right now is that both girls feel  loved and  taken care of.   I can’t give Bug enough hugs and kisses every night.    Both girls are loved and  adored.   

Easter Dress at Nana’s

How do you scare new parents?  Try to teach them CPR and give them all kinds of scary scenarios of what could go wrong.   We took the two hour how to care for your baby class at the Baby Factory.   It actually was a very good class and I wish I would have had it before I had Bug.   Some of the stuff I learned by trial and error with Bug.   The CPR part was good to know.  They’ve changed some of the ways they teach it now.  For example, instead of the 5 compressions 1 breath, now it is 30 compressions and 2 breaths regardless of the age of the person.   They found that because people are more reluctant to give mouth to mouth to just anyone, that more compressions are just as helpful.  Anyhow, we practiced using the “Ambu Baby.”  We did CPR, what to do in case of a choking, and even practiced what to say when we called 911.   We also learned carseat safety, crib safety, and what to use and what not to use (like not using baby powder or corn starch on babies anymore). 

I hope you all have a Happy Easter. 

Yesterday after a very frustrating day at work, I raced off to an appointment with the Breastmilk/Eye study at OHSU. Because I didn’t have time to pump between work and my appointment, I pumped on my way there - I wouldn’t recommend it. It seemed like it was the only day that every trucker on the west coast was out on I-5. I was covered, but I sure felt exposed. I was still 10 minutes late to my appointment. After blood pressure, blood draw and some questions, I am done with the study and they will send me another little check.

I went back and spent three hours with my precious littlest one. I held her and held her. I also was able to give her a bath and wash that wild hair! While she was being gavaged, I let her suck on the binkie, which she did vigorously. She is now eating 40 ml a feed and weighs 4 lbs 10 oz. That’s why she has such chubby cheeks!

Littlest One is now about five days out from having her caffeine stopped and she is having a few spells. Most of the spells are while she is eating from the bottle, but she has a few during sleep. She has to be five days without any spells before she can come home - they don’t count the ones while she is eating though. So it might be a couple weeks before she comes home after all. They won’t send her home on an apnea monitor because they have found that it actually is more of a problem than help. Apparently if they send the baby home after five days without spells, they usually don’t have serious spells or just have ones that are self resolved. I also found out how they are helping her with her feeds. It isn’t so much that they are teaching her the suck, swallow, breathe sequence so much as they are just helping her out with it. Maturity will get her to that point. Also, because she was so very early it may take her just a bit longer to get there.

Since I have to work Easter Sunday, I made a pancake breastfast this morning and I made a special pancake for Bug (which she later shared with Big Yellow Dog).

It’s a bunny head if you’re wondering what it is.

Later in the day I had a bit of time for myself so I went to Mecca - the craft store. I love just looking at all the wonderful sewing things, yarn things, rubber stamp things, bead things…everything! I also went to the consignment shop and found…umm…a few things for Bug. She doesn’t need any more clothes, but she got them. One is a dress the Goldfish cracker color with Goldfish on it and it says “I wish for more fish.”
I also happen to see a big girl bed there. I was thinking, if I had the money, I would snap that up. Instead I went to pick up Bug at Nana’s. Auntie T was there as was Daddy. I showed them the clothes I bought for Bug (and then later Mouse) and causually mentioned the bed and how nice it was. Auntie T got all excited and said she had told Nana several times today how she had seen that same bed and how she wanted to buy it for Bug, but wasn’t sure if we would want it. Well Nana said she would chip in and off we raced to the consignment shop with Auntie T. We showed Bug the bed and she was all smiles and giggles, so now she has a big girl bed for later on. It’s not very girly, but it’s sturdy and nice. We can make it girly with the covers and such. Thank you Nana and Auntie T for the big girl bed!

To finish off the night, Daddy and I watched No Country for Old Men. It has hunky Javier Bardem in it, although he wasn’t very hunky in the movie. It was good, very confusing, very violent, strange…A Coen Brothers film.

Stop the madness!!!