Bittersweet

Get your first set of immunizations!  That’s right, poor little Mouse got the first shot of her two month immunizations.  They are going to space them over a few days so not to overdo it with her little system.   She did pretty good with the first set.   She had another good day, just had two spells and is still regulating her own temperature.  They also turned down the air flow/oxygen to 1.5 liters instead of 2.   So the nurse tonight said that she might be ready to move across the hall to the step down unit soon.   Little Mouse is now 35 weeks.  She has come so far!

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, disappointment comes knocking at your door, again.   Surprise!   I’ve decided that disappointment and heartache are my new best friends.   Dilaudid and oxycodone have been banished, they are only there for me when I’m in pain.   Now the others, they show up at any time and lately, they have been there for me pretty much constantly.  

One more good thing - maternity pants, even when you aren’t pregnant.  They fit you on your fat days and your really fat days!  (Note to self - next time don’t get rid of all your pre-pregnant clothes thinking you will get new stuff after the baby comes.)

I struggle a lot with being a good mom to both my girls and spending time at the Baby Factory and with Bug and with going back to work full time.   Today, of all days, a nurse we have never had at the Baby Factory had a demeanor that by the time I left I felt like a horrible mother.  I felt like I couldn’t do anything right when it came to holding Turtle Love and she kept having spells, a few bad ones, at which point the nurse would come over and pratically rip my little one out of my hands and then lecture me about watching her color and the monitor - DUH!  A couple times the little one would cough and then have a spell, she would then get grabbed out of my hands and when I explained about the cough, the nurse still lectured me. On top of everything, the nurse spilled the breast milk mixture down my back while trying to hook up the gravity feeding.   I know I was overly sensitive when I went in, but by the time I left could hardly keep from crying until I got in the car.    I didn’t do the temperature right, didn’t put her clothes back on right, wasn’t keeping her warm enough,  the list goes on.  When I was telling the other nurse I thought it was time for the little one to go back, Nurse Racheted swoops in and states that little one obviously isn’t tolerating being held very well and it was time to put her back in.  I also got a mini lecture again on watching her color and how sometimes it’s too much stimulation for preemies to be held.  So back into the isolette she went, bundled up, wonderfully tucked in and snug and the blanket covering the top readjusted, all while I stood back and watched.  I had to pull back the blanket on top a bit to say my I love you and good bye.  Then I got yet another talking to about how we hadn’t taken the parent education class (which we were told to take a week or two before little comes home, probably in another 5-6 weeks) and she misunderstood me and thought only Daddy was going to take the class, so I got a stern lecture on how important it was for ME to take the class.  It went on…I felt about as small as a piece of dirt, not a dirt clod, but a tiny ground up piece of dirt.  I have no doubt that Nurse Ratched is a wonderful, caring nurse, and knows her stuff, but holy cow, I think she was having a bad day and I know I was having a bad day. 

One final lecture I got from Nurse Ratched was on how important it was that be there with my baby as much as possible, especially during feedings, and learn how to care for her and then to do some of the care.  I already feel horrible guilt about being at work and not going to see the little one just about every day.  How do moms find that balance between work and family?

you too can own a set of three preemie onesies from Gymboree. I do not know what I was thinking tonight, but I ventured into Gymboree. So far I have avoided going in and all my Gymboree stuff has been from Once Upon a Child or were hand me downs. They have so much cute stuff and when the clerk asked me if I needed help, it was like my mouth had a mind of it’s own and asked if they had any preemie stuff. Now listen, buying preemie stuff is just silly, especially when it’s: a. From Gymboree and b. Bug has enough clothes to rival any celebrity and will pass them down to her little sister. Next thing I know the clerk was showing me all kinds of adorable up to 7 pound clothing and of course they were having a “sale” and you can get Gymboree Bucks. The three pack of onesies were just too hard to pass up. So far I haven’t gotten anything for my little Turtle Love, partly because I was afraid to and also because they grow out of things so fast. One onesie is pink and white striped with some flowers and “baby” embroidered on it. You can go to Gymboree.com and look for the Lamb Baby Bodysuit three pack. I’m not going to go the mall anymore, it’s like the Bermuda Triangle! 

On a final note, I would like to thank Mr. Edward Lasker for his inventing the breast pump (she says very sarcastically). I knew a man invented it. Ugh, if it wasn’t so good from my little one, I wouldn’t do it. I hate it, especially now that I’m back to work.

My little Mouse is growing up!  The nurse said that today that precious little girl was on room air oxygen just about all day and stayed an extra hour on her nasal oxygen.  (I don’t understand the whole concept of room air oxygen - so if someone can explain it to me, please do!) She actually was having more problems with the CPAP, partly because she is getting more active and not liking the CPAP.   Also, I guess little Miss Mouse was smacking away on her binkie, rather vigorously and loudly, so the nurse tried her with the nipple.   After the initial shock of having something come out when she sucked, she did very well and drank about 5 cc before it got too much.   Also, today she weighs 3 pounds 6 ounces.  

One final thought, I found out someone at work is going to do the March of Dimes walk, I think in April.  Please support her.  March of Dimes does a lot for preemies and has done some nice things for us while Mouse has been at the Baby Factory.   E-mail me and I will give her your info.   Thank you!

I finally felt well enough to go visit my littlest one yesterday. She was so alert and wide eyed when I got there. It was amazing the difference in her since the blood transfusion. Her color was wonderful. I took a little video of her moving all around in her isolette and if I can figure out how to post it I will. Nothing exciting really other than her being wide awake. At times I’ve said she looked like an old lady mouse, well this time she looked like a little turtle. The way her eyes looked, the way she was moving her head, and moving her tongue around - all kinda like a turtle. This time when I held her we tried kangaroo care. Another little slice of Heaven. What they did was have my little one in just a diaper and then I opened my shirt and we placed her with her head/ear over my heart, tummy to tummy, and I had my hand on her back and the other hand on her bum and legs. Then they put a little hat on her and blankets over both of us. Warm and snug. She immediately went to sleep. She kept trying to curl up, but I had to try to keep her chin up so it was easier for her to breath. We sat like that for two hours! It felt so good to feel her skin and just to touch her. Sometimes she would wake up and look towards my face with those big dark eyes, then stretch and look even more like a turtle. Also while I was there, they fed her, still through the tube in her nose into her tummy. That added a new thing to watch for - you have to make sure she isn’t scrunched up in a ball. When her tummy gets full, it makes it harder for her to breath, so I had to make sure she was stretched out. She’s pretty strong for 3 pounds, so sometimes it was hard to convince her to lift up her chin or unscrunch. She did really well while I held her, no “spells.” Afterwards I did my 20 minute diaper change and then left. I can never seem to change her diaper very fast. Trying to change her with your hands through the doors of her isolette, working around all those wires, a giant diaper on a tiny body - that takes some hand-eye coordination, or pure and simple talent. Part of me is afraid to have her come home after all she has gone through to make it this far and part of me can’t wait to have her all to myself without any monitors or nurses hovering.

Other than the above, life pretty much sucks. A lot of things are happening I have no control over, even though I would like to think I do. Someone today said that things had to get better, I thought so too, but apparently it can, and does.  There are some things that are getting better, so I guess it balances out.  

Daddy and I have started a terrible habit.  In the evening we started snacking.   It used to just be Dad, then about two weeks ago, everything he ate started to look good to me.  I always kept candy in a drawer for him in the kitchen, well, now all it has in it is leftover candy canes and some dark chocolate - yuck!  We ran out of the last of the popcorn, no cookies or chips, and the ice cream is gone.   We even ate all the carrots with ranch dip.  So, last night we were so desperate we ate Bug’s Arrowroot cookies.   Now listen, she doesn’t particularly care for them, so we thought it would be okay to try them.  They were good!  Now they are gone!  Daddy even put some strawberry jam on them, even yummier.   So yes, we are desperate snackers.   Next thing you know, we’ll be eating all of Bug’s baby food desserts.  Ha!  Not likely, have you tried that stuff.   I took a taste of something called Blueberry Betty.  Sounded yummy, the picture looked yummy.   It had absolutely NO and I mean NO taste to it at all, nothing, no flavor.  No wonder Bug wouldn’t eat much.    You would think a simple trip to buy groceries would solve the snacking problems, but we haven’t done that yet.

There!  Another post that is pretty positive.   Makes me think of Bug’s favorite show - Yo Gabba Gabba.  There is a song that says, “Think happy thoughts, happy thoughts / That’s what you gotta do. /  Think happy thoughts, happy thoughts, and a smile will come back to you.  

Time to stop that “stinkin thinkin” because good things are happening.

Mouse is doing wonderfully now.  Her color is excellent and she’s only had a couple minor spells since getting the blood yesterday.  Also in big news, the occupational therapist assessed her and decided that she can start trying a the pacifier dipped in a bit of breast milk and also can try a few drops of milk in her mouth.   Unfortunately, we were at Bug’s appointment when they had the first try.  She did very good first time out.  She attempted to suck the pacifier and took four drops of milk before she coughed.   That is a huge step.   I’ve noticed that when she starts to get hungry, she will start doing a sucking motion with her tongue and if you touch the corner of her mouth, she will move her tongue and give a hint of a root.   You take all these things for granted with a normal term newborn, but with a preemie, every day is a triumph.  Nurse K has been taking care of Mouse for the last three days.  When I first met her a month or so back, she wasn’t my favorite, but these last few days, I have decided she is wonderful.  She has taught me so many new things, encouraged me to be actively involved in Mouse’s care, and really does care about my little girl.   When we came in today, that little girl had on the cutest knitted hat.  Daddy said she looked like a little old British lady in it.  

She doesn’t look so much like an old lady mouse anymore, so I keep thinking I need to change her nickname.   I find myself calling her Littlest One or Tiny Love, so we’ll see what name sticks.  Bug will stay Bug.  She’s Bug at home, Bugalicious, Buggy, her real name-Bug. 

I decided today that I need to heave ho myself out of this blue funk and start being more positive.  I need to remember all the good things in my life and focus on them.   I also need to be okay with where I’m at right now.  It may not be exactly where and what I want, but it’s where I am, so okay I must be.   Pity parties will still be held nightly, but will be limited.  

Mighty Mouse was having another rough day with lots of spells.   The doctors did a CBC, blood culture, and something else, I can’t remember.  They found out that her hematocrit was 25, so they decided to give her a blood transfusion.   They aren’t sure why her blood count is low, but it is.  They gave the standard explanation that preemies sometimes do that.   They are still waiting to see what the culture results are.  Daddy and I went up to see her this afternoon.  She had a few major bradycardic spells when we first got there.  This time I was more prepared for it and could do what was necessary to get her back to baseline.  I also took her temperature, changed her pulse ox, and changed her diaper.   I felt a bit more in charge of my situation than I did yesterday, but yesterday still left it’s mark.   Daddy was pretty shook up by all that was going on.  While we were there, they did the blood transfusion and fed her while I held her.   She’s so tiny, it hurts to see what that itsy bitsy body is going through.  

I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel kinda damaged after these past few months. Maybe “damaged” isn’t a good word for it, although that’s how I feel, maybe “different” or “changed” are better words. I don’t feel as confident as before, I don’t feel like I relate to people the same, I feel anxious much of the time, always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I guess I felt that when I went back to work, things would feel more normal. I know it’s only been three days, but it doesn’t feel as familiar as I thought it would.  Nothing has changed, but I feel uncomfortable.  I guess I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin, detached from the outside world.   Damaged, that’s how I feel, damaged.